Why won't you love me?
by iNsPired 61
Summary: She loved him so much but was too afraid to let him know it


Rated M to be safe

Nathan S & Peyton S.

Disclaimer I don't own OTH or Nthan and Peyton but they inspire me to write so here it goes...thanks for reading, hope you like, it's my first ever story, so rip it apart to make me a better writer!

**A U**

_**Peyton's P O V**_

His eyes were the bluest I've ever seen, and they always seem to be looking at me, as if he couldn't help himself, as if he had to.

He had the most sensual, most kissable lips, whether he was talking to someone else, excitedly giving instructions to his teammates on the court or just sitting in class in deep thought-- all I can think of is kissing those lips knowing how good he would taste. Sometimes I catch him staring at me , he'd have his lower lip caught between his teeth and it takes all of my will to stop myself from rushing to him, taking those lips into my own! I'm watching him now as he practices his dribbling and shooting while I pretend to stretch for my own cheer practice.

And then she walks in and walks right up to him so that he stops midrun; She flings her arms around his sweaty neck and gives him a full on smack on the lips. I have to turn my eyes away quickly for I can't bear to watch this, . That's right I remember I'm not supposed to think that way about him.

He used to be mine but he's hers now and my heart can't accept that .

Even if it's been months since that was true.

Why can't I stop thinking of him, why is he still in my dreams, why do I long for him still with all of my being? Why does it physically hurt to not be able to hold him in my arms, to know that those gentle loving hands that used to run all over my body and made me feel things I've never even imagined were doing those same things to her. Those lips that tasted so sweet, that I've missed so much that I would give anything to feel them once again even for a second were not for me anymore but for her. You may ask how this happened if I was still this much in love with him. Why aren't we still together why is he with someone else when I still love him so much?

Yeah, I love him with every breath within me, he used to be my life, and I don't know how I've survived this long when he's been gone.

You see I was the one at fault, I don't know how it happened but it did.

I was so in love with him but we were so young and I was so scared to show him how deeply I cared. I didn't want to scare him away so I pretended that I could take him or leave him when all I really wanted was to be with him forever! I made it a point to flirt with other guys, I even blew him off on some of our dates just to pretend to myself that I didn't need him that much when all I really wanted was to be with him all hours of the day and night. We didn't even have to do anything, I didn't mind if we just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling as long as he was beside me, as long as our hands were entwined, as long as I can feel the heat of him and the beating of his pulse -that was good for me. Like I said I was so deeply in love, he was my entire world! I don't even know how I get to sleep these days without him beside me.

He is the air I breathe and I have been dying a little everyday I have been without him.

But like I said it was my own fault I never admitted how very much he meant to me.

He was never reticent about his feelings. He said I love you to me on our first month anniversary, and I smiled at him but didn't say it back, he said it's ok, he'll wait till I'm ready.

We slept together for the first time after the most wonderful date on our six-month anniversary.

We were both 15, it was both our first time but it was the best night of our lives, we were so good together, we were meant to be together forever. And as we were lying there after such a beautiful expression of our deepest desires I had tears of joy flowing from my face but I didn't want him to see, I was too scared to show him how much he meant to me. I watched him and he had the most beautiful smile of contentment on his face like nothing else mattered to him at the moment but us with our arms wrapped around each other, the world outside of us didn't exist.

He turned to me and sighed "i love you so much; I don't ever want to live without you, no matter what. " He was holding me so close to him, i can feel every beat of his heart! "I'm going to marry you after high school, we're going to go to college together I'm going to be a in the NBA you're going to be a world renowned artist" hhis fingers were twirling my hair, he was tenderly running his hands on my bare skin, " and our kids will have your amazing blonde curls and those gorgeous hazel eyes'

I kissed him then, I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what to say so I did what I had been aching to do since the first words left his mouth. I kissed him with all the love I felt but haven't spoken, I kissed him like I would never stop, he tasted so good, I didn't think our kisses could even be any better

It was almost like we were giving each other our hearts and souls for safekeeping... you would have thought I'd have responded to what he'd said with my own declarations of undying devotion... _but I didn't._

My fears reared its ugly head_,_ I was silent.

The kisses grew more intense almost frantic. We made love again, this time it was so different from the first time, the gentleness was replaced by passion , it was so deep and it was almost rough and aggressive like he was almost angry at himself for saying all he had and at me for not saying anything at all! His hands were tangled in my hair, holding my face, moving over my breasts and my thighs, feverishly going everywhere like he had to, like he never wanted to stop like he couldn't get enough of touching me ,kissing me. When he entered me a second time he pushed himself almost roughly and so deeply that we both let out such loud groans we were almost screaming each others names,.

Its surprising no one came running to ask what was wrong.

His thrust went deeper still and his pace went faster and he kept saying my name and how much he loved me! I didn't think I could take anymore, my whole body was on fire, I was ready to explode and his thrust went deeper still and harder and faster until we both explode at the same time screaming and collapsing on top of each other, trembling and unable to move.

After a long moment I lifted my hands shakily to brush his hair from his sweaty forehead and I gave him the sweetest kiss I could muster. He had his eyes closed and there were tears coursing down his cheeks. Slowly he blinked them open, hugged me so tightly and whispered' I love you so so much' why don't you love me?

And he snuggled his head deep into my neck, I could still feel his tears until he fell asleep.

I just held him like that, I couldn't sleep, and I kept berating myself for doing this to him.

Why am I letting my fear get the better of me? Why am I breaking his heart like this?

I love him ,why won't I say it?

When I saw his tears it broke my heart and I wanted to open my mouth to tell him how wrong he was because I loved him so much I didn't know I could feel this deeply about someone.

But we were so young, he might think he loves me now but he would change his mind, I know I won't, but I'm so sure his feelings will pass. I just am so sure of this that's why I don't want to confess my feelings. I wish I could be open and just tell him how I feel and take my chances right? I take several deep breaths and hug him as tight to me as I could. He instinctively hugged me back tighter- if that were possible -that nothing could have come between us since there was no gap at all. I still couldn't sleep, so I watched him, he looked so peaceful, so lovely. I gave him a soft kiss on his forehead and just held him until morning.

He slowly woke up and I was still watching him, running my hands thru his hair, down his neck and shoulder and rubbing his back so lovingly. He finally focused on me, looked in my eyes long and hard but I could see pain still lingering there. There was also something else, some emotion I've never seen there when he looked at me. Then suddenly he kissed me long and hard as if he had to and as if it were the last time.Then he abruptly untangled himself from me like he couldn't bear my touch anymore, without saying a word got dressed and left closing the door behind him with a final click.

It was a very soft click but sounded like a boom of thunder in my ears.

Like I said it was my entire fault, I didn't cheat on him, I loved him too much I couldn't even look at another guy! He was my all and I was completely his but he never knew that.

We never broke up, we just never talked again. We made love for the first and last time 6 months ago now. Today would have been our 1-year anniversary but I never gave us a chance. My arms are so empty without him. I keep dreaming of our night of love together, every night without fail I'd fall asleep after a long time of staring at the ceiling and dream of him and then suddenly be wide awake because I knew he wouldn't be there. I'd be awake from them on until it was morning and I had to get up to try and make it for another day without him.

6 months is a long time isn't it? He changed after he left me that morning; he started to act like I don't even exist. I tried to talk to him, ask what was going on? I thought he loved me why was he doing this to us? He never even looked at me, he just walked away again. Then a few steps later he turned to me with almost a sneer and mouthed the question 'us'?

He never talked to me again after that.

It hurt more than I can say. To be without him is unimaginable; I never thought I could feel this much hurt. The thing I feared the most has happened. I knew he'd stop loving me but I didn't know it could happen so quickly.

I didn't know I would feel this lost and lonely.

He used to be the sweetest, kindest person in our school. He was captain of our basketball team and the most popular guy but he never seemed to notice. Girls were crushing on him all the time but he never even gave them one look. He was with me and that was all that mattered to him. He always looked so happy walking around with his arms around me. I was his and he only had eyes for me. There was no one else in the world for him. He looked at me with all the love you could ever see in one person's eyes for another. The girls looked at him with a sigh and turned their gazes to me with so much envy I'm surprised I never burst into flames. If looks could kill I would have been long dead.

We'd walked together thru the front doors of our high school the first day of freshman year and we walked thru those doors everyday from then on. We were inseparable; you'd never see one without the other. After a while people just expected when they see me that Nathan won't be far away. We even made sure our classes were together, and because he was in the basketball team I joined the cheerleading squad so we can practice together and then go home together. We never grew tired of being with each other. And on odd, rare occasions that they saw me without him or him without me, they just have to ask where the other was coz they know we always know what's going on in each others life. It was just a given. Even the girls stopped longing for him after a while, they eventually accepted nothing was going to break us up. We were part of the high school world -inseparable and in love.

When he stopped talking to me I felt so conspicuously alone.

Going into those front doors without him was just so wrong. The first day it happened it took awhile for everyone to realise what was going on but suddenly this eerie silence descended on the hallways of the school as I walked thru. People followed me with their eyes with varying expressions of disbelief and shock on their faces. I kept my head down and continue walking. I used to be a happy person but I think all my happiness left with Nathan that morning. I've had the whole weekend with the whole night on repeat in my head. But I think I'm still in denial or shock coz it hasn't really sunk in. When I didn't hear from him all weekend, and he didn't show up at my door to give me a ride, I think maybe it was real. When I walked thru those doors on my own and everyone was staring I think maybe this is actually happening. When I saw him leaning against his locker surrounded by giggling girls I stopped in shock. Then he sort of glanced my way and ignored me while walking away with his arms on the shoulders of two slutty girls. I stopped, stared and then ran to nearest bathroom, leaned on the closed door and slid slowly to the floor because my legs refused to hold me upright anymore. Without realizing it tears were falling on my face, and there was soon a flood of them. I never cried all weekend. And now that I've started I haven't stopped crying yet.

I can't believe it but I have to now.

This is my new reality.

He's changed –a lot. No one recognizes him; I don't even know that he's the same person any more. After 3 months he started to get this reputation of being a manwhore. He's been hooking up with random girls at parties. Oh did I mention he started going to all the parties? He'd get drunk and then hook up with a girl and leave them right after the sexual act. The next day he'd act like he didn't even know the girl or whatever happened between them. He made a lot of girls cry but the more cruel he became the more they wanted him. He became a jerk and the girls just let him -fighting over who would get into his bed at the next party. The worse he got the more the girls couldn't get enough of him. He even got in a few fights after hooking up with other guys girlfriends! Didn't seem to stop him though, and even seemed to make the girls hotter for him. Nowadays they start screaming for him when he comes in the front doors.

And he just gets a faraway look in his eyes that only I seem to notice and smirks at them taking it all as his due.

As for me I've changed too, I've grown quieter and don't smile as much as I used to. I've lived with this broken heart for so long that I have forgotten what its like not to have one. I've avoided parties I don't really feel like having fun anymore. Quite sad for a 16 year old really. That's right I've just turned 16 but it was just another day. My father asked if I wanted a party but I said no. What was there to celebrate? Nathan wasn't in my life anymore and he wasn't coming back. I spent a lot of time in the library and in my room at home. So my life has become wake up, go to school come home and sleep. I lose myself in my music; my studies and I've started drawing again. I stopped when Nathan and I got together coz I spent all my time with him, adoring him with my eyes, my lips and my entire being—there was no room for anything else. I'm still part of the squad even though it hurts alot to see him with all those girls ,knowing they were doing with him what I crave every minute to be able to do again.

I have to remind myself that it is my fault.

Really.

All this is my own doing.

You agree with me now don't you? I'm sure you even feel sorry for me.

Or maybe you just think it was just ridiculous, why didn't i tell him how I felt? Then we would still be happy and then we'd live happily ever after. But doesn't this whole thing prove that my worst fears have come to pass?

He got over me so quickly. He professed undying love and the next thing he's over me.

But I'm now left with nothing.

Maybe I should have said exactly how I felt and then been loved for as long as it lasted, then he would have been mine for just a little bit longer. I would have been happy for a bit more time. Maybe my life would be fuller for as long as possible.

Coz even if I was still going to lose him one day I wouldn't have lost him that day.

Not yet anyway.

He's still looking at me, and this time I look back at him, stare into his eyes and let him see the longing and the ache I've been feeling since he's been gone.

He blinks in surprise as if he can't believe what he sees.

I bite my lip and tears slowly fall on my face.

I get up and turn away from the one who owns my heart..the one who owns me and always will.


End file.
